Grief Stages

Susan Anschuetz, MA /Ann Johnson, MA

"It was only a dog, why don't you just get another one?" We often hear these words from well-meaning people who have never had the fortune of connecting to animals in a significant emotional way.

For many of us, however, the loss of a companion animal may be just as painful and difficult as the loss of a human companion. Not surprisingly, therefore, the grief process following the loss of a pet goes through the same stages as that of other significant losses.

According to the Grief Education Institute of Denver, the stages of grief are shock, protest, disorganization and reorganization.

The initial shock phase follows immediately after the knowledge of the loss and may last from minutes to weeks, though usually it lasts a matter of hours to days. This stage is characterized by a sense of numbness or unreality, a feeling of being dazed and unable to focus.

For example, a man who saw his dog hit by a truck left the dog in the street and walked home telling himself over and over, "I need to call the vet." Once home, he was found by his wife rummaging through the kitchen looking for his cigarettes, when he had quit smoking years before.

The protest phase may persist for many months as the person struggles to come to terms with the reality of the loss. When the emotional bond is strong, both mind and heart fight off acceptance of the loss. This phase may be characterized by "waves" of grief and intense painful awareness alternating with periods of numbness, exhaustion and automatic functioning. These wavelike, emotional episodes bring the reality home in a piecemeal fashion.

Thoughts during this phase typically involve constant reminders of the lost animal-a person may hear the animal's movements or familiar activities, or imagine that they see, feel or smell the animal. One woman recently reported hearing her dead cat's breathing when she was awakened one night.

The disorganization phase represents the lowest point of the grief cycle. By now the reality has hit hard, and the void left by the loss is being fully experienced. Lack of direction or purpose, a sense of being lost and aimless, hopelessness and at times deep depression may be present. It is during this phase that additional support systems (friends, family, church, other animals) are extremely valuable in lending caring and hope to the grieving person. However painful, this stage is normal, natural and necessary, as it lays the groundwork for future attachments.

After the pain of the loss has been faced, a gradual reorganization occurs as the grieving person begins to rediscover and reconnect with life. This stage is characterized by increased initiative and interest in activities and events in the world around them, and thoughts of the loss are no longer the sole focus of day-to-day life.

Examples of this stage might include a person's beginning to think about getting another pet or spending more time with friends. As these examples indicate, a healthy resolution of the grief process can lead to new emotional connections in the future.

This article is courtesy of the Pet Loss Support Group of the Denver Area Veterinary Medical Society.