Helping Children Cope With the Death of a Pet
Kent R. Autor
Harthaven Pet Cremation & Burial Services (Alaska)
What do we want to achieve?
The death of the family pet is usually a child's first experience with the loss of a loved life, and sometimes it is a first experience for the parents as well.
In any case, the death of a pet is an opportunity for parents to teach their children how to express what they feel without shame or embarrassment, and to cope with what they feel in a way that brings the experience to a healthy closure.
Ideally, this should be done as a shared family experience: the children have to see the parent cry too, and to observe what they must achieve in handling grief by example.
Life is full of goodbyes, some more painful than others. Bringing grief to closure is being able to accept a permanent goodbye.
We want our children to learn how to accept death as a permanent goodbye, and to celebrate life and good memories.
1. Don't wait for one big "tell all" to start helping children understand death.
3. Don't assume that children always grieve in some kind of orderly and predictable way, and don't assume every child in a certain age group understands death the same way or has the same thoughts and feelings.
Some experts talk about stages of grief. Although it is suggested that these stages are transitional phases, they can actually appear simultaneously, be skipped, or appear in a different order. They are possibly better taken to be different aspects of a person's experience with grief which are more or less apparent. They are:
5. Discover what each child is experiencing.
Kent R. Autor
Harthaven Pet Cremation & Burial Services (Alaska)
What do we want to achieve?
The death of the family pet is usually a child's first experience with the loss of a loved life, and sometimes it is a first experience for the parents as well.
In any case, the death of a pet is an opportunity for parents to teach their children how to express what they feel without shame or embarrassment, and to cope with what they feel in a way that brings the experience to a healthy closure.
Ideally, this should be done as a shared family experience: the children have to see the parent cry too, and to observe what they must achieve in handling grief by example.
Life is full of goodbyes, some more painful than others. Bringing grief to closure is being able to accept a permanent goodbye.
We want our children to learn how to accept death as a permanent goodbye, and to celebrate life and good memories.
1. Don't wait for one big "tell all" to start helping children understand death.
- Both birth and death are parts of life, and children are curious about them, but they don't need to know everything there is to know all at once.
- Over the course of time, we all experience losses and goodbyes: friends move away, pets die, teachers and classmates change, and sometimes parents get divorced. Children learn early that loss and change happen.
- Encourage the children to ask questions about birth and death. Use every opportunity to ease the youngster into knowledge, understanding and acceptance of loss and change, including death.
- Don't be evasive and don't use misleading euphemisms.
3. Don't assume that children always grieve in some kind of orderly and predictable way, and don't assume every child in a certain age group understands death the same way or has the same thoughts and feelings.
Some experts talk about stages of grief. Although it is suggested that these stages are transitional phases, they can actually appear simultaneously, be skipped, or appear in a different order. They are possibly better taken to be different aspects of a person's experience with grief which are more or less apparent. They are:
- Shock and disbelief
- Guilt
- Anger, alienation and distancing
- Depression
- Denial
- Resolution
5. Discover what each child is experiencing.
- Because the love experience the child had with the pet was unique and personal, try to determine what the child is thinking and feeling about the loss.
- Allow the child to communicate his or her personal grief experience, don't assume you know.
- Sometimes children believe that their thoughts can cause things to happen.
- We all sometime wish the dog or cat would go away and leave us alone. If the child has had thoughts like this, the youngster may think that the thought caused the death This has to be confronted directly, and corrected by sympathetic explanations of what really caused the death.
- Also, if a pet has been troublesome, the child may experience a feeling of relief that it is gone, and may or may not feel guilty about it. Relief may well be a natural and normal reaction, and the child should not be blamed for being indifferent to the pet's death.
- If a feeling of relief and associated guilt are present, the adult should focus upon the reality that the pet was troublesome, and that it is normal to be relieved that it is gone.
- If the pet was in misery, and death was a mercy, a feeling of relief may be present, and the child should be encouraged to perceive its death as a blessing and freedom from pain.
- Explain that everyone has their own feelings about the pet and its loss.
- Be alert that the child may not feel what you do and may feel guilty or confused about that.
- Never tell the child that the pet was "put to sleep" or that it has "gone to sleep."
- The pet "died" and it is "dead "..."like a flower or a leaf lives and dies."
- Tour the photo album and use the photos to stimulate special memories, fun times and funny things.
- Allow the child to cry when these stimulate a feeling of sadness, then encourage the child to laugh at the funny things.
- Both a good cry and a good laugh are therapeutic.
- The pet or its cremated remains can be buried. Reinforce the idea that the pet will make things grow and contribute to new life. We recommend the excellent book by Judith Viorst, "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" which communicates this idea in a charming way.
- If the pet is cremated, the ashes can be mixed with wildflower seeds and be scattered in some special place where the seeds will always blossom a tribute to the life of the pet This is a beautiful way to say goodbye; to remind the children that life continues in some form and teach them a healthy way to bring the loss experience to closure.
- This is also an opportunity for the members of the family to share their feelings, good memories, and support one another. It will strengthen family bonds and strengthen each child's ability to deal with the next experience of death.